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This past month of focusing on Third Culture Kids in relationships has been a thrilling roller coaster to say the least. But, it turns out, there is a dearth of support for Third Culture Kid marriages. I spotlighted three fascinating couples here , here and here on the blog in a three part series as initial food for thought. All the while, I was avidly collecting your personal testimonies. TCKs in marriage is a topic close to my heart having married a monocultural American a decade or so ago. It goes without saying that any two people living together will have their ups and downs, quirks and pet peeves and unique set of challenges. Now think of the Third Culture dynamics, often bringing a broad worldview, but a raging inner war of identities, an intricate web of relationships and questions about belonging to an already complex marital relationship.
Express love daily in the way your spouse likes to receive it. Workshop participants added that thriving TCK marriages walk a fine balance between rootedness and independence.
Partners are serving one another, giving each other the chance to breathe alone and with one another but apart from the kids. This survey confirmed the dearth of resources available to Third Culture Kids in marriages, let alone those relationships that are struggling. Of the responses, only five resources were listed. Or to use the Love across latitudes workbook. And yes, to communicate, communicate, communicate.
No surprise there. Those already in married relationships wanted other TCKs to assume their marriage was a cross-cultural one before proven otherwise.
Respondents spoke of choosing the spouse first before the culture. Also, to engage in your tensions before children come along and divide your attention.
Life gets a bit crazy at that point.
Or, being content with friendship without the pressure to enter into the commitment of marriage. Because we often hear of the challenges of Third Culture Kids in marriage, this was perhaps the most exciting and hopeful finding to me personally. Juxtaposing responses of the newest and the most senior marriages revealed a noticeable change in tone.
Whereas the newer marriages often mentioned their pursuit to find themselves as individuals and as a couple, or how one partner was misunderstood or frustrated, marriages of more than 16 years changed their discourse to speak about respect, sensitivity and self-sacrifice for one another.
There were some exceptions, but how hopeful is it to read how marriage softens some of those hard edges we sometimes come into it with. As one counselor friend told us once, marriage is about unpacking your bags for life together. These wiser, most content couples have certainly unpacked a few full suitcases. There is so much more to say but those are a few high-level findings. I look forward to unpacking some of these topics over the coming months here on the blog.
Thank you to each of you who entrusted parts of your journey to me. You made me smile, you made me cry. Thank you to the couple of people who said that filling out the survey was an eye-opening, healing experience.
In that vain, also feel free to pass this article to your TCK friends and care-givers of TCKs who can come alongside us in this phenomenal journey of finding strength, healing and richness in our Third Culture marriages. I look forward to more! I am going to post on my Facebook Writing Out of Limbo page.
I am very grateful that you published the results. I do a lot of surveys to help further research and am rarely rewarded with the results.
You showed great sensitivity in how you worded your findings as to not alienate any group. Wow, thank you so much for your encouraging note, Sharon. I removed results of one or two questions that I deemed too narrow in their scope, in order to make the study less leading and hoped that would help in giving center stage to their stories.
What type of surveys do you carry out? And thank you for putting all of this information together. It was so interesting to read how the struggles and successes my husband and I have had are very similar to many other couples. Very good. There are hundreds of them, most would not be in your survey. We find a large percent are divorced many more than one time.
They are from those who married other TCK and those who married someone from their passport country. We find that one third of these MKs have left the church, but not necessarily God. Missions need to include these MKs instead of excommunicating them by their action of just labeling these MK as rebellious.
Missions need to pay attention to their former MKs if they wish to do better with the present MKs. I was abused in a missionary boarding school; which compounded the trauma of being separated from my parents for almost 9 months a year from the age of six.
The abuse included sexual abuse, which is quite common in missionary boarding schools actually, in many boarding schools; not just those owned and managed by mission agencies. The combination of both abandonment issues and the impact of having been sexually assaulted impacted my marriage. Fortunately, I had done a great deal of healing work before meeting Ernie, my husband.
Hey there! Thank you for this great article. I am a TCK married to a monocultural and it was helpful to read. Also, I am a graduate student at Sacramento State University and plan on doing academic research on this very topic this year! Would it be possible for me to have access to the emails of your participants?
I would really appreciate getting as many participants as possible. I loved this post. Is there any other one coming up with more info? Hey Gemma, thanks for your enthusiasm!
Wow super glad I found this sub (as a fellow TCK, Dipobrat) anyway dating life! I followed my girlfriend to new york from high school for school, huge mistake things went totally crazy and she . Oct 18, Third Culture Kid: 5 Things For Dating a TCK. Photo Credit: IB Wira Dyatmika. Relationships are hard when you are a third culture kid (TCK). Because we've grown up with a . Jun 12, As some of you may have noticed, I haven't been posting on TCK Dating! And as a proper TCK, I didn't actually take the time to send out a goodbye letter to you all. I apologise in advance.
Yes, there is more coming! Since writing this article, I have received several hundred more responses to be taken into consideration. It was crucial to have more data to make the observations clear trends. I hope to dig more into depth into each of these areas. Stay tuned! Your email address will not be published. Skip to content. When cross-cultural kids are rejected by their own family.
I love it, off to check you out there! Thanks for stopping by, Nina! Hi,i m rony, i m 28 years old, i live in dhaka Bangladesh, you will marry me. With pleasure. Thank you for reading it to the end! Not an easy task!
I feel like we're flexible in that we can adapt to and relate to different people easily, but this can be a disadvantage when dating because you attract lots of different people but only a small portion would . TCKid is a non-profit organization that serves the community of third culture kid (TCK) and cross culture kid (CCK) adults and youth across geographical boundaries. We also serve to inform the non-TCK . May 15, This past month of focusing on Third Culture Kids in relationships has been a thrilling roller coaster to say the least. It all started when the EuroTCK consultation invited me to lead the .
Wow, you quoted me! He focused his research on what increases happiness levels. To find this out, he developed an app called Track Your Happiness.
Dr Matthew Killingsworth used data from around 50, people to conclude that people are happiest when interacting with other people as opposed to alone. Find the rest of my piece here! March 4, by oliviacharlet Leave a comment. They can be large or small, many or few. It just means that we can sometimes have negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves. Take a moment to think about what makes you feel insecure. When do you have negative beliefs about yourself?
How do those make you feel? It seems insecurities can have a negative impact on the relationship we have with our partner. Relationship researchers Rose and Bellavia found that individuals who struggle with self-doubt will have less satisfying relationships due to their cautiousness and inability to find comfort and security within the relationship. With this threat to the self, it is unsurprising that we can have doubts creep up at times.
However, what Rose and Bellavia stress is that those people who have especially negative models of themselves are more likely to act. Find the rest of my article here! February 19, by oliviacharlet Leave a comment. A bad break up can feel incredibly painful and can make you question everything about yourself. Before the person you were with, you were living. You had friends. You had hobbies. You had a career. What is it about a break up that makes us question who we are as people? And how can we avoid not relying on someone else to make up our identity?
My belief is that when you fall in love or choose to let yourself fall in love, you succumb to vulnerability. You share time, insecurities, success stories, new experiences, and space with that person.
It seems inevitable that they would start. Find the rest of the article here! February 11, by oliviacharlet Leave a comment. Treat your relationship like you would a garden: never stop cultivating it. Your Garden of Love must be nurtured or it will wither and die. There must be a basic agreement between the couple that both will work to preserve the relationship and that they will not take each other for granted.
There is always a contest between couples; instead of competing on who gets more, they should compete on who gives more. And each should seek to help the other and give more than they receive. February 10, by oliviacharlet Leave a comment. In my previous postI talked about what it felt like to date in my teens after having moved from Johannesburg to Vienna and finally to Hamburg for my two last years of High School.
I left for Boston for university feeling exhilarated, but also really nervous.
The education part of it, I felt completely at ease about. I had always been a nerd at heart and loved learning.
What did make me nervous was realising that people might be at a different dating stage as me at uni. I had questions buzzing through my head. Would they have all already had sex? Would I finally meet someone who I really liked and who I could date?
It was great having them as people I could count on, hang out with, go to parties with and so on. Would I finally get rid of my nerves and just start dating? I was getting interest here and there. At parties. In class. Through friends. What if they asked me to do something I was uncomfortable with?
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Would they straight away be able to tell my lack of experience at 18? I started going on a couple of dates with a guy at the end of my first year. I liked him. He was confident, friendly, social, sporty. He was a catch. I started feeling the pressure. What was he possibly thinking?
After one great dinner date, he walked me home. And, it was the perfect moment. I could feel it. It was a dark starry night, and everything was calm. We were alone on the street besides a couple people walking along the other sidewalk. He leaned in And I completely backed out of it.
Third Culture Kids in marriage: 10 survey results & trends
What can I say? I was nervous.
Who could blame him? After 4 or 5 dates with no real kiss, he thought I just wanted to be friends. But really, I was nervous.
I remember meeting someone else who was from another country. Anyway, I thought he was cute.
He was part of the rowing team. He asked me out, and we went on a lovely date.
I remember walking back to the university campus with the river on one side. He was talking about rowing and trying to combine the early mornings and draining practices with coursework.
What if he leans in? What will I do?
She Vanished After Meeting Him On An Online Dating App...
I need to stay calm. This will be ok. I have to just do it. And, what happened next? Well, he did just that. He leaned in. And what did I do? And yet again, he thought I was just not that into him. That slowly fizzled out too. After two years in Boston, I decided to go study abroad in Auckland. I was looking forward to a fresh start, and I was getting slightly bored of Boston.
I needed a change proper TCK-style. February 5, by oliviacharlet 1 Comment. I think moving around so much growing up had a large influence on my dating life.
Thanks for an explanation.11.01.2020|Reply